Trabzon
by B A Cucumber
Summary: On their flight from Kaboul to London, the crew of MJN find themselves face to face with a hijacker and have to divert. I actually dreamt this up on an ottery holiday with friends, so thank you, John Finnemore, and sorry, too. I do not own any of these wonderful characters.
1. Icarus Speaking

**1.**_ Flight deck. Douglas making a passenger announcement._

**Douglas** Ladies and gentlemen, this is Icarus speaking. Let me inform you about the fact that your worldly goods have been successfully moved to the cargo hold where they will safely sit until our arrival at Stansted, where an assiduous man with a van is going to take over. I hope you'll enjoy the flight, and I promise not to go anywhere near the sun.

_Martin opens the cabin door and enters_.

**Martin** Alright, Douglas. You can start the engines. I'm doing the walk-round.

**Douglas** Don't get lost, captain.

**Martin** Very funny.

**Douglas** Ah, here's our passenger again. Fairly popular guy, our Mr. Wahed, don't you think?

**Martin** He's got his friends and family to help him move his things. Not exactly uncommon.

**Douglas** As _you_ must know.

**Martin** As I _do_ know. Friends and family are a blessing when it comes to moving. You know, the more, the merrier.

**Douglas** Then make sure to count Mr. Wahed's blessings before you lock the cargo hold. Lest we be blessed, too.

_Martin's steps fade_.


	2. Cargo Hold

**2.** _Martin enters the cargo hold. His footsteps sound hollow on the bare metal._

**Martin** (_sighs_) Is there anybody in here? We're ready for takeoff, so we must make sure that nobody is accidentally locked in the cargo hold.

_There is a sound from the far end of the cargo hold of a wooden crate being shifted._

**Martin** (_frightful_) _Hel- hello_? _Is there anybody_?

_Martin climbs over carpets and boxes, bumps into furniture, topples over a vase._

**Martin** Damn it! _Hello_? I _can't_ see. _Is_ there anyone, please?

_The sound of the crate moving grows louder. Then there is a terrible crash and a feeble groan from Martin, then another crash. Then there is silence, followed by a shuffling of feet and the rustling of clothes being removed._


	3. Clear Skies

_Flight-deck. Douglas making another PA._

**Douglas** Ladies and gentlemen. This is your First Officer, Douglas Richardson, speaking. Welcome aboard our flight to London where the weather right now is being very … British. The skies above Kaboul, however, are clear, our current temperature a delightful 22 degrees Celsius, and once our esteemed captain has joined me in the flight deck, we'll be ready to take off.


	4. Arthur Loves Cooking

_Passenger-room. Sound of people bumping into one another._

**Arthur** _Oy_! Careful there.

**Man** Sorree.

**Arthur** Ah, Skip, it's _you_!

_Heavy steps approaching the cockpit. The door opens and the man steps into the flight deck._

**Douglas** _Martin, are you_- _who_ are _you_?

**Man** Seet down, pleez. You fly.

**Douglas** Where's Martin? That's his uniform! What happened?

**Man** You ask too manee questions.

_A gun is cocked._

**Douglas** I see, we're being hijacked. (_pause_) Alright, Martin, you've got me.

**Man** You fly, or else-

_The gun clicks against Douglas' head._

**Douglas** Okay.

_They take off. _

_Arthur enters the flight deck._

**Arthur** (_chirpy_) Hello there, chaps. There's coffee for you, Douglas, and another coffee for- _you're not Skip_.

**Man** No.

**Arthur** Where's Skip?

**Man** Cargo hold.

**Douglas** _What_?

**Arthur** But it's too cold in there. Martin should know, you know. There once was this cat-

**Douglas** Yes, thank you, Arthur.

**Man** Go away.

**Arthur** No, I won't. _Why_?

**Douglas** Our _new captain_ here is hungry, Arthur. How about you making him a lovely bowl of Surprising Rice?

**Arthur** _Really_?!

**Man** _Reelee_?

**Douglas** Oh yes! You'll love it. Believe me.

**Man** Okay then.

**Arthur** Brilliant.

_Arthur leaves and shuts the cabin door._

**Man** That was ezee.

**Douglas** He loves cooking.


	5. The Other Guy

**5.**_ Galley. Arthur clatters with pots and pans. Carolyn tuts._

Carolyn What are you doing?

Arthur Preparing Surprising Rice.

Carolyn Who for?

Arthur The new _captain_.

Carolyn What new captain? Martin's surely not-

Arthur Not Martin. The other guy.

Carolyn (_surprised_) What other guy?

Arthur The one in the flight deck. With Douglas.

Carolyn (_worried_) What guy?

Arthur A tall one in a captain's uniform. You _must_ have seen him.

Carolyn (_suspicious_) What's he doing?

Arthur Nothing much. Talking to Douglas, I suppose.

Carolyn _About what_?

Arthur Dunno.

Carolyn What's he like?

Arthur What do you mean?

Carolyn (_in a funny voice_) Is he … _nice, brilliant, c_?

Arthur No.

Carolyn (_alarmed_) _**No**_?

Arthur No, he's not brilliant. Or fantastic. Or nice.

Carolyn (_puzzled_) Why not?

Arthur Well … he didn't say please or thank you. Oh, and he's pointing a gun at Douglas.

Carolyn For crying out loud, why didn't you tell me?

Arthur I forgot. I'm in the middle of preparing a very complicated dish-

Carolyn Where's Martin?

Arthur Dunno. Cargo hold?

Carolyn The _cargo_ hold?

Arthur Yeah, that's what the man said. I think.

Carolyn Is he alright?

Arthur The man? I should think so.

Carolyn Martin!

Arthur Oh! Of course, he is. _He's Skip, isn't he_?

Carolyn Yes, but … the _heating's_ not on! It must be _freezing_ in there.


	6. Douglas Is Brilliant

**6. **_Flight_ _deck. Douglas talking at the hijacker_.

Douglas … you see? So I wouldn't be so sure as to which is the bigger threat to anyone, your gun to me, or my plane to you.

Man Not safe, you say?

Douglas No, never safe. But don't worry. We'll always come down, one way or another.

_Arthur enters the flight deck with a clanking platter_.

Arthur Here we are. A lovely platter of Surprising Rice. _Da-tah_! (_more clanking_)

Man (_shocked_) _Urgh_.

Douglas (_enthused_) Beautiful.

Man (_doubtful_) Is it?

Douglas Oh _yes_! Surprising Rice is a national treat, and Arthur, as I may safely say, is the master of Surprising Rice.

Man (_lacking conviction_) Reelee?

Arthur _I am_!

Douglas Thank you, Arthur, you may join the party.

Arthur _Brilliant_. (_pause_) What party?

Douglas You may _go_.

Arthur Oh, well, enjoy your meal, sir.

Man (weakly) Thank you.

_Arthur leaves and clicks the door shut._

Douglas Go on, try it.

Man You not seeree-as.

Douglas But I am. If somebody offered me this abundance of deliciousness, I'd feel most honored. You _must_ eat it. Refusing it would be an inexcusable affront to the chef.

_Cutlery is being shifted on the platter, and there is moaning and munching._

It is customary to finish the dish, or else it will mean disaster. And we really cannot afford any more disaster on a plane.

_More munching and audible breathing._

Man (_weakly_) Hot.

Douglas Oh yes, it _is_ a spicy dish.

_Passenger-room_.

Carolyn Why did you serve him? He's a hijacker! He'll kill us.

Arthur Yeah, but he's wearing a uniform.

Carolyn And if he were wearing a crown, he'd still not be a paying customer. Therefore we won't serve him.

Arthur But Douglas said-

Carolyn Never mind what Douglas said!

_The gong bing-bongs. Douglas is making an announcement_.

Douglas Ladies and gentlemen, due to an unforeseen occurrence, we will immediately divert to … Trabzon where we will perform an emergency landing. Please excuse any inconvenience caused by the diversion. We will make sure to resume our journey as soon as possible. (_bing-bong_) Our captain is in imminent need of assistance. If the cabin steward could join us with a bucket and a handful of wet towels, please.

Carolyn (_hopeful_) The _captain_!

Arthur _Brilliant_! Sounds like fun. I'll go find a bucket.

_Carolyn rushes into the flight deck. Sounds of desperate retching and vomiting, moans and groans._

Carolyn But-

Douglas Ah, Carolyn. It seems as if, unexpectedly, our hijacker has been taken rather ill. You _must_ have a word with the chef. But in the meantime I would like you to tie him up safely.

Carolyn Douglas, you're …

Douglas … _brilliant_?

Carolyn Something among those lines.

Arthur Here we are again. Did you enjoy- (_pause_) _oh_.

Douglas He _did_. I'd say he _loved_ your Surprising Rice. He even finished it.

Carolyn _Finished_ _it_! Good heavens.

Douglas Indeed.

Arthur M-maybe it was the fish. M-maybe it was off. Or maybe-

Carolyn Arthur, _never mind_.

Douglas It definitely served its purpose.

Arthur It did?

Douglas Most impressively.

Arthur (_lacking enthusiasm_) Ah.

Douglas (_over radio_) Trabzon. This is Golf Tango India. Requesting immediate diversion. We've got an emergency.

Trabzon Tower (_over radio_) Golf Tango India. This is Trabzon. Please specify emergency.

Douglas (_over radio_) We've overpowered a hijacker who is feeling rather poorly at the moment, and we're one captain down, possibly to severe hypothermia followed by an attack. Please have ambulance and patrol car on standby.

Trabzon Tower Roger, Golf Tango India. You're clear to land. Well done!

Arthur Hijacker? _Wow_!

Douglas Arthur, if you could mop up this … mess, I've got a plane to land.

Arthur Okey-doke.

_Sound of plane swishing by._


	7. Landed

**7. **_Outside the cargo hold. Carolyn, Arthur, and Douglas. The hijacker is taken in custody, cursing the crew in a foreign language._

Douglas And good riddance.

_Douglas opens the door to the cargo hold._

Arthur Chaps- (_silence_) what if, _you know_?

Douglas I'm going in.

Carolyn (_quietly_) Thank you, Douglas.

Arthur Thank you, Douglas.

_Douglas moves around the cargo hold, climbs over carpets and crates, bumps into furniture, topples over a box, until the far end._

Douglas (_in a loud voice_) _**Martin**_!? (_pause_) _**I can't find him**_!

_**Martin**_! Are you there?

_Douglas stumbles, his foot caught on Martin's body._

_Christ_! (_gulps_) Martin-

_God_. (_sighs_) _**I've got him**_! _**He's alive**_._** Get the ambulance guys**_!

_Outside. The paramedics are talking to one another in low voices._

Carolyn Thank God for that.

Arthur I told you Skip would make it. He's – _Skip_!

_Within._

Douglas (_shouting_) _**Arthur**_! _**Get in here**_! We have to move him.

_Arthur joins Douglas almost inaudibly._

Don't look. He's in a pretty bad way.

Arthur But he'll live.

Douglas I hope so.

Arthur Brilliant.

_They carry Martin and noisily make their way back to the door. The paramedics are waiting with a stretcher._

Paramedic 1 Alright. We'll take it from here.

Douglas Take care of him.

Paramedic 2 That's our job.

Douglas Right.

Arthur (_worried_) Douglas?

Douglas does not answer.

What'd' you reckon, Douglas?

Douglas _He should eat more_.

Arthur (_puzzled_) _What_? _Skip_?

_There is some shuffling as Douglas sinks to the ground._

_ Douglas_? _**Douglas**_! _**Hey**_!

_**Err, chaps**_? _Here's another one for you_.


End file.
